aav0002.jpg  Disclaimer-this is my opinion and what worked for me may not work for someone else.  DO NOT STOP TAKING MEDS UNLESS YOU TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR FIRST!!!  It is very dangerous to all of a sudden stop taking your prescription.  Meds do work for some people again this is my opinion.  This is why I quite taking mine and why.  I know people who take meds and it works.  It just didn’t for me.

Ok now that I’ve got that out of the way, I’ll tell why and what made me decide to stop taking meds.

Like I said before I’d try one, it wouldn’t work, he’d up my dosage, and it seemed I’d get more depressed.  During this time I was wondering why I wasn’t getting better several things happened that scared me and made decide to take a different approach to my depression.

  1. I have a friends who is on a lot of meds for several differnt problems.  All the warning and possible side affects listed can cause problems.  Something went wrong and her kidneys shut down.  I didn’t think she was going to make it.  They had to put her on dialysis and it was so scary to think that all the meds she was on was too much.  It scared me.
  2. Seeing someone try to overdose.  I won’t go into this one, but I say this.  It opened my eyes and made me do some major soul searching. 

So what did I do?  I fired my coo-coo.  After several sessions and instead of getting to the bottom of the problem his answer was meds.  I was tired of being foggy.  I was tired of being even more depressed.  I was just plain tired.

So if meds wasn’t working what would?  I heard of a Christian counseling group, called them and set up sessions.  I’ve been going there for over a year now.  At first I thought it was silly and when I didn’t see results overnight I got discouraged, but it’s a process.  I didn’t get depressed over night and I’m not going to wake up happy and life’s a wonderful place all after a few sessions.  I went once a week for a while.  My problem wasn’t chemical balance mine was accepting life as what it is.  It was and is still a work in progress. 

You know life’s not fair sometimes.  It seems like the whole world is in on some secret and you’ve been left out.  What’s the secret.  I’ll tell you.  Be content with the blessings in your life.  Don’t look at who’s got what, and why can’t I have that too.  One of the best thing that ever happened to was when I lost everything.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it.  I lost my house, had to move back in with my parents, was fighting with them at the time, I had to drive a car that I was sooo embarrassed to be seen in, cried myself to sleep so many times, I had to ask for help, I had to hear the whispers, Did you hear about Dawn, she had to sell the house or the poor Dawn looks oh my goodness.  It’s so true, when you are at your lowest, then we look up to God.  I’d pray, read my Bible, things would get better,  I’d stop praying and reading and WHAM there I was back on my knees again.  I asked God for help, but then when things got better I’d handle it on my own. 

This is not the way it’s suppose to be!  I can’t do it, I can’t make the world right, I can’t fight the depresson on my own, I CAN’T, but you know what?  GOD can.  He may not answer your prayers how you want them and he may not answer them right away, but He’s got a reason.  Don’t give up. 

So as I’m writing this I am understanding something even more.  I think I was depressed because I wouldn’t let God be in control of my life.  I’d make a mess and want Him to clean it up, but when I started giving it to Him and say I can’t — He did.  Lord I’ve made a mess of my life, I’ve let greed, and materail things be the center of my life, but You are suppose to be that center and I want you to be the center of my life.  I want YOU to guide my heart I want YOU to be in control.  Thank You Father for helping, thank you for the trials in my life so that I can understand what my friends and family may feel, by being at the bottom I looked up and You were there.  Thank YOU.

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This is the hard one to write.  It's the tell all.  Wish I could say what I'm about to write is nice things, but since it's the truth, well I'm just say that I'm glad I no longer see me the way I use to.

The one thing I really like about me is my blue eyes.  I'm told I got them from my grandfather, along with his temper.  Well the pretty blue eyes aren't so pretty when there's a long stream of black eyeliner running down my face, my eyes are swollen from crying, and my nose is red.  Yep almost as red as that famous reindeer we've heard about.  You betcha I'm trying to be funny no joke this is hard.

I remember looking at the mirror and would take my lipstick and write all over my reflection.  Things like I hate you, go away just to name a couple.  I'd look so deep into my eyes searching for some form of happiness, a life I'd dream of.  I really didn't like me, but you'd never know that from the way I acted in public. 

I had a good life in Baton Rouge.  I just wasn't happy.  Every time I'd get depressed I'd redo my make up, and put on a show.  The perfect couple.  No one but my best friend knew I wasn't happy.  I think I still put on some sort of act for her too.  I had a nice house, went on all kinds of trips, bought what I wanted when I wanted, had everything I wanted.  Still the world saw me talking about the latest trip, or the upcoming trip.  Always something.

What they never saw was the me that found a safe place in my closet where I'd cry and wonder why.  Why did I have to buy the happiness for a few moments.  I thought if I move back to Mississippi, be closer to my family, then I'll be happy. 

Guess what?  We have mirrors in Mississippi too and the reflection was the same.  Guess this is about the time I had that anxiety attack.  Decided it was time to admit I wasn't in love with my husband, my heart longed for something I lost many years ago.  It was time to deal with my past.  Then and only then could I be happy.

When everyone found out I wanted a divorce you'd think I'd done the most horrible of horrible things.  I was giving up my security to follow my heart.  There was something I had to face.  I had to face the monster I saw in the mirror.  It didn't happen over night, it didn't happen in a few months.  It's taken a few years and it's still in progress.

I had to face the hard facts.

Dawn is/thinks

  • a snob
  • she's better than everyone else
  • judges others
  • moody
  • a guilt player
  • someone who likes the attention of being depressed
  • likes to have things her way
  • likes to be in control
  • will fight just to fight
  • likes to play mind games
  • selfish

Ok I'll stop there.  It's no fun.  I can say that over this past year I've really worked on my list.  Wasn't fun either.  It took so much to admit these things much less to act on chainging them.  It's taken the support of Patt and his honesty to love me enough to say get over yourself.  Stop it.  Give people a chance.  Try new things.  If you don't like who you are then you are the only one that can change that. 

I don't think I'm the same person anymore.  I've learned that by being that person I've missed out on some really good friendships and experiences.  Like I said it's a work in progress with my list, and most days when I look in the mirror I see someone I love, someone Patt loves, and most important, someone God loves.  Mistakes, wrong paths, running away, God still loves Dawn.  I'm seeing my blue eyes now instead of the black eyeliner running down my face. 

Next time when and why I decided meds was not what I wanted…..

For years I've been sad.  I just thought it was normal.  I remember being a kid and sitting on the trampoline one night wondering why was I born.  My brother Stacey had been diagnosied with Crohn's Diease and was very sick.  Why him, he was the good child, why not me, I'm the one that stays in trouble.  I'm the bad one.  It was no secret, mom favored Stacey or that's what I thought as a child.  The adult knows that's not the case, but she had to be there for him.  So through my childhood, I was just sad. 

Then about 6-7 years ago, I had a real bad anxiety attack.  My heart raced to 140 beats per minute, I couldn't breath, I just felt weird and went to the doctor.  After several test they diagnoised me with anxiety.   After the doctor started asking specific questions he realized that it was more, that maybe I had depression too and sent me to see a this doctor I loving called my coo-coo doctor.  He started telling about how the chemicals in the brain did this and that and that there's medicane to help you. He gave me one prescription tried it, nope still sad, still had my meds to help with the anxiety and still nope not feeling happy doc, so he switched me, then he would up the meds, maybe you need more, then I'd see him and I was in a good mood, so the meds must be working right.

Nope.  Just so happen he caught me on a good day.  On the bad days I'd call, he'd change the meds or up it more.   This went on for about 2 years.  I felt like a frinkin yo-yo! 

What in the world is wrong with me?  Why can't I be normal and happy like everyone else?  Why did God put me on this Earth to be so sad?  I just had so many questions.  Then Patt and others would ask, can't you just be happy?  NO! I'd scream.  Do you think I really like hating myself and wishing I was dead?  Patt would say just snap out of it.  I'd look at him like he was the crazy one.  What was it about me that I didn't want to be happy or did I want to be happy.  I was so confussed. 

My turning point and when I decided I wanted to fight the depression.

When I looked into Patt's eyes and saw the hurt.  When I realized what my mom felt, what Patt felt when I'd say I wish I was dead. 

When I realized I could have a life without being on meds and I could be happy, IF and he's the big part, IF I WANTED TO FIGHT FOR IT! 

Nobody but Dawn could do this.  I decided I wanted to life without being on any meds.  I wanted a life where I liked Dawn.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I had to decide, did I want a real life, and was I ready to face that reflection in the mirror I didn't like and face the truth.

Next…..Facing the refection in the mirror.

critter38.gifSong Laci gave me….

It's all about you, Jesus.  And all this for you. For Your glory and Your praise.  It's not about me- As if you should do things my way.  You alone are God, And I surrender to Your will.

Father I pray that I will keep the words to that song in my heart and in my thoughts.  It's all about You, not me.  I play that you will give me a desire to please You, not me, I pray for an unselfish and a loving Spirit.  I pray that  I will but others in front of me, I pray that Patt will feel so much love from me and that he will know I love him, I pray that I can stop judgeing others, I pray for a Christian spirit and a Christian heat.

Amen.

Prayer-Repent, Praise, Thank, Request for others, Request for self.